Howdie-ho! It is indeed the 2010's first NEWZ! And we start pretty much where we left off, with the one and only Lily Allen and her "look, I can clean my crapper with a toothbrush, saves me a bunch on toothpaste" extemporizations. But, with the year being still just as hot as the outermost prestigious Golden John Thomas award, there is fierce competition lurking about already to- out of sheer envy I suppose- secure and snatch the award from everyone else this year! Now, dear Mr. I-shit-from-where-the-food-usually-goes Bono, in the times when music sales are absolutely skyrocketing, I truly don't give a flying fart that your home entertainment 200-inch plasma screen is those many inches your arse can actually take less than you would like it to be. You have all the fucking money in the world which is all the money in the world more than you can ever spend. Practice these pathetic douchebag record label rhetorics somewhere else and spare us, normal people of the smell of your crap. We already know that you're not just the record owner. As Trey Parker and Matt Stone already explained, you ARE the record.
And now, my favourite "website" of them all, Facebook. To briefly explain the quotes, it's not a website per se. It's an application for the people to get voluntarily exposed, ripped off any kind of privacy and made into a douche de luxe. Growing larger than life, Facebook's representatives- whoever they are- have now decided that it's in their power too, to actually kill (read: ban) suicide. Telling people what to do hasn't ever been easier. Adolf Who's Geheime Staats-what?
Remaining in what is probably the most boring country in the world, it doesn't mean that there is no room for some Formula One shockers! Yes, it is on the table, Michael Schumacher who happens to be the most successful racing driver of all time has his eyes set on the cock... pit again. At 41 and 3 years off the cock... pit, I do have my doubts but the chap seems pretty confident and claims to be doing some "serious stuff" in the circus for the next three years. Whatever the "seious stuff" might mean. Anyway. I DO think that a Ferrari with Michael Schumacher at the wheel should be included in the Bible, let's see what comes out of his Jesus-ness driving a Merc. He's got my fingers crossed, that's for sure.
And finally, my favourite "country" of them all, Slovakia. To briefly explain the quotes, it's not a country per se. It's a not at all random collection of I-don't-know-what-to-do-or-where-to-go vermin that is voluntarily becoming the laughing stock for the rest of the old continent. And "douche de luxe" belongs here too. Somehow. I'll leave it to your imagination. Ok. Apparently, Slovakia has become quite unhappy with the evolution of fairly recent events and recruited the cream of their own arseholes of authority to render the country's first "Hello World" message. Essentially, the immaculate slovak intelligence has devised an anti-terrorist "test" to see if their dogs (read: the only police subjects in the country capable of thinking) could sniff out a handful of RDX stuck onto airport baggage. And make no mistake, yes, it was LIVE airport baggage and yes, out of the eight "tested", they LOST one. To put the incident properly beyond ridiculous, they let it fly over to Dublin. How about THAT! I'm quite aware that it begs for good hundreds of questions but there's a bunch of things you should know about my beloved Slovakia: Do. Not. Ask. Questions. For your own sake, please do not do it. For a luagh or two more, read the report in Slovak. All I can say is, bravo dickwads!
And that's it for this month's, I sure hope the quality-above-quantity newz! Let's get this 2010 started, shall we?
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